Cluster camp's reflections

On the 8-11 June'06, RLL had a cluster camp at Jin Tai Sec. I must say that the camp was really a training camp for me, perhaps not much physically but spiritually. It was indeed a change for me to actually become a camper instead of being a mentor after so long. Haha... Realised that being a camper is so much easier and much less taxing physically and mentally! I took a much lesser time to recover from the camp than I would usually need!

God spoke to me throughout the entire camp. Be it in the activities, my QT or just being in the camp, God gave me many things to ponder and reflect about. Perhaps that's why Linnet felt that I was not sharing much to her and to the cell at night. Haha.. she told me to allow the other sisters to be auntie to me. Hee... ( u mean 20+ called auntie already? then I'm considered a baby now!) Actually it's not that I don't want to share. Its just that I myself have not processed the things that God has been speaking to me about. Or perhaps I really didn't want to share to, even if I do have something to share...

Well, I just feel somewhat lost. Lost in this family. I don't know where I belong to this family, just that I'm a child of God. But I thank God for this time because he has been allowing me to experience what it means to be an orphan. I don't really have a specific family(cell) or a parent (S mum) to turn to in times of need or advice. Aunties, relatives or even Grandmother can tell you that they love you, you have a family etc... But it's just not the same. Somehow you feel that something is lacking. Yes, I know the importance of accountability. But to whom can I account to? Whenever ps asks us to get into our cell, I don't know what to do. I just want to be alone. I want to be with God. I don't want to keep on 'visiting' other families. I want my own family. It wouldn't be so bad if I have a Christian family, but I don't. Now, how you expect me to tell them about this except to God himself? He understands, I know. And I thank God for this time because I finally understand how children from broken families feel. I'm so blessed with a complete biological family that sometimes when others speak of their broken family, I can never really understand the pain that they are going through. But now I know and therefore it helps me to know how to better minister to them.

Its not easy walking this path alone. Its tough being the only christian at home (besides my small bro to which I can't share much about all this stuff) and having to put up with those anti-christ responses. Ive been mocked and 'encouraged' to give up my faith. People have been seeing me differently ever since I became a Christian and started to share about Christ. But who cares? They may say that I trust too easily but well, to me that's simple faith. Thats the faith that Jesus loves in children. And I thank God for my child-like faith. I thank God too that he has allowed temptation to come my way because these only serve to make me grow closer to God and his words. Sometimes when I look back, I don't know how I could become a mature christian in such a short time (3 yrs). Without a proper community, I could have easily fallen away esp when my mentor fell away and isn't doing very well emotionally and spiritually too. But yet, I grew more in the Lord and became even more grounded in the word of God. Perhaps it was also because God placed lives under me and into my life. I have to guide them and teach them the ways of the Lord. That means I have to be strong in my faith and in God's truths. I totally agree with what ps lily said that when you become a leader, you don't think about yourself but more so for your members. I'm feeling that way now!

Anyway, back to the camp. We had a structured experience on the 2nd night and God used that experience to speak to me. Actually when I went through the experience, my trained 'mentor' mindset came in. Once we start an activity, my mind will start racing to think of the objectives and generalisation. Haha.. But I made sure that night that I did not analyse so much until the experiences will not meet its SOLO. Hehe. Out of the 6 stns, 2 stns were memorable and really spoke to me.

The first was the leap of faith. After making us walk many rounds (which I knew that the objective was something like SL training's pace of life) we were blindfolded and made to wait for a really long time. A while later, the stn ic put on a harness for me and led me up many flights of steps(4th floor). The ics then led us in such a way whereby we lost our sense of direction and felt that we were actually on top of the building. After making me climb up a bench, the ic tied a rope to my harness, let go of my hand & asked me to jump. Many thoughts actually came to my mind. I thought I was going for a flying fox. Haha... But on second thoughts, not so. Cos I was only wearing a half harness, the ic didn't check whether the harness was secured (no pull check, trainer check) and there wasn't even a calibrina. The thought that came to my mind was actually whether ps lily agreed to this activity, which I was almost certain she did. I knew that safety was taken into account becoz I remembered that the first of the 7 competency of a facilitator is safety. After so many camps with ps, I knew that safety was something to which she takes seriously. Becoz of that trust, I jumped after confirming that I was to jump down and not someother place. Haha... And guess what? It was just jumping off a bench. I didn't know it then, and ended up falling on my knees.
Anyway, God taught me something very precious about this experience. Although I did not know how big and deep the jump was, i trusted the leaders & ps and just jumped. Similarly, I can also trust God to keep me safe and jump into an unknown territory even though I may be uncertain and not know where I would land. But I will take that leap of faith, believing, firmly believing that God will catch me in time.

The last stn was based on Matt 7:13-14. Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate that leads to life, & only a few find it. Needless to say, I chose the narrow road. SY actually came to trick me into taking the easier path. Of course being a mentor before, I knew his tactics becoz I did that bf too.. Haha. Also I love challenges and stuck with my decision to walk on the narrow path. At that stn, I was given a pole with 2 filled 500ml bottles on both ends to carry. Kneeling down, we were made to walk across a path scattered with green beans. I knew it would be painful and also knew the objectives when I saw that. It wasn't much of a surprise becoz I heard that ps SL did that to the leaders bf. When I finally got to the green beans, I actually felt that the pain was bearable. Whats more, I completed the walk smiling. You may wonder if I was crazy to smile through the pain. But I knew what the objective was... Even as I had chosen to walk the narrow path, it would not be easy and I would face much pain and struggles. But what actually motivated me and allowed me to smile through the pain was that I knew I was doing it all for Jesus. Yes, taking up the cross is difficult and challenging, but when my focus is on Jesus himself, I can actually walk through it smiling, knowing that my rewards will be great in the end, ie being with Jesus himself:) Yes Jesus, no matter how difficult this path may be for me, I will not lose heart but keep in mind that my light and momentary troubles are achieving for me an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. I will fix my eyes on you Jesus, the author and perfector of my faith!