I must admit that I'm very disappointed about the miracle weekend. Yes, I rejoice for the 545 lives ushered into the kingdom of God on this weekend itself. It was really a miracle considering the fact that MOL salvations are lesser with 384 for the 4 shows combined. Wow! And its just a normal usual service, with the only difference that this very day, God was present to give FCBC a great harvest as prophesized by my great great great grandfather, Ps Cesar. My heart was beating with joy and thanksgiving when I saw the C section being filled and the many first/second time visitors with us on 25/6/06. It was just so wonderful seeing the alter being filled with so many babies! And to read of the many miracles that happened to the people around me just makes me smile. I truly am glad and rejoice for these precious lives that are added into the family of God.
However, no amount of testimonials and miracles can really enlarge my faith right now. I must say that I had truly believed and trusted God for 12 even to the last moment. I was actually expecting 6 pre-believers to turn up that day. But on the day itself, one by one, they couldn't come because of many last minute reasons. It was just so disappointing. I was expecting to see God's great miracle working but apparently, God decided to withhold it from me. And then came Linnet's msg from ps Lily to get ready to consolidate. I knew it was a declaration of faith. I wanted to declare it to, but for whom? Well, it was tough for me to go to church on that day, knowing that I would not get to see any visitors that I bring listen to the great news of salvation. I really didn't want to sit at the usual place on that day as I knew I would be embarassed to sit there with most of the people around me standing to welcome the new visitors. I was so glad that we went in late by waiting for Aria to finish eating her last min bun. Because of that, most of the seats at B3 were filled up and we had to seat at C6. I actually wanted to avoid as many people as possible on that day because I really have no face to meet them. I know that this isn't the correct way of looking at the miracle weekend (MW), but the fact was that I even felt shameful to go to service that day with no one to present to God. I felt shameful before God. Here I was 3 mths ago standing up to be prayed for and giving a public declaration that I will bring 12 friends to service on this day, but here I was again 3 mths later without even a single friend. Oh God, have I not tried? Forgive me if I had not prayed hard enough. But I did pray everyday for the miracle weekend...
For the few days after MW, I did not want to face this issue of disappointment. Thank God for the encouraging msgs and reflections shared, but none of them really did helped much. I knew that those points were true, but they just cannot sink in now. It took me a while to face my disappointment with God and to ask him to restore my heart for the lost again. I started to ask God why? I do not blame God and have never thought that God had played me out. I knew he has his reasons for such things. I was careful to guard my mind and God indeed protected me from Satan's attacks because I put on the armor of God, esp the shield of faith and sword of the Spirit. But everytime when I tried to think about this, mixed thoughts would come into my mind. Thoughts like "Its God's timing (then how come ps prophesized over us that we will be able to bring 12 to service on MW?); I'm not ready to consolidate such a big addition into my cell (but how abt just 1?); I myself have not yet settled down in a family, how to lead others?; Be faithful with the little that I have (but I thought I'm supposed to dream big dreams for God?); didn't I experience and fight much more warfare during this period( sickness, battle of the mind, emotional struggles/drained, attacks of my previous leader which undoubtly affected me etc) which means that I'm walking in the right path, God is going to do a miraculous work right? It's their own choice if they want to come or not- but then I can intercede and ask God to change the spiritual climate right? Lord, have I done wrong or not done anything for you? I'm just so confused!?!? Whenever I asked God why he did not allow me to see a miracle which will undoubtly enlarge my faith volume, he would just answer me "Child, I love you". Hai God, I know you love me and I love you too. But God, I trusted you so much and really put all my faith in believing in the unseen, yet...
I thank you for the gold dust experience, but if given a choice between recieving gold dust and seeing even one person that I invite to service receive Christ, I will choose the later. I mean, there's so much more joy in seeing someone being born into heaven and the great privilage of witnessing the great transformation of him/her walking with Jesus than that moment of surprise in recieving some gold dust that will not much benefit anyone. I'm just so confused. I shan't say that I have lost faith. I still believe God that he will give me my 12 someday. I believe him for the salvations of my family and friends. I still have faith in believing him for miracles but...
I guess, well I guess I need to overcome this disappointment (perhaps due to the great expecting heart of mine for something to happen).
You know what? I don't really want to think anymore. I feel like just becoming a baby and go crying back to God. I want to stay in his arms and not think like an adult. Its just so tiring putting up that brave front acting as if I am ok. Because I am NOT. I know that I have already done my best, this is God's miracle and not mine, God looks at the heart and not the nunbers etc. I know that all. I know that all superfically, but it just cannot sink into my heart. There's this barrier called disappointment that needs to be torn down first before God can work in my heart. It may not be that bad if I have a S Mama to talk to, but thats not really an excuse to not break this barrier myself with the help of the holy spirit... I don't feel like talking or sharing anything with the cell on fri. Most of them will have amazing miracles to share and I don't want to break that momentem. I know you gals will say its alright, you all won't mind because cell is meant to support and encourage one another. But I do mind. I'm not as wonderful as what you all may think I am. I'm just like you all, a sinful person saved by the grace of God. Right now, I just want to throw away my pride. I don't care what others may think or say. I just want to go running back to God, asking that he hug me real tight. I know that I can have a good cry with him without even needing to say a word because I know he understands. I promise I will feel better after that. Then will I be able to share more about my reflections of what miracle weekend really means to me in a more rational mind.
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