Soul searching moments (1)

Sometimes, life suddenly begins to feel meaningless.
Sometimes, the reality of life just seem to hit you real hard.
Sometimes, you can't help it when God starts to search your heart.
You begin to question yourself about what you are doing, why are you here and where you will be heading to.
You become bombarded and burdened with all sorts of questions to which you have either been blinded about, or have taken them all for granted.
You try to search for the answer, but somehow God chooses to remain silent...

This week was yet another of this kind of soul-searching moments. All sorts of discouragements and snickering just started coming my way. Somehow, their attitudes and my own clinical experiences affected me...

It is tough enough being the pioneering batch. We knew, and the nursing teaching faculty knew beforehand too that we had to deal with all of these. They tried to prepare us mentally, even on the first day of orientation. We too had that fear well before we ventured into the wards. But nothing beats facing the reality. Great expectations are expected from us. Everyone, from the lecturers, tutors, nursing community, medical community, NUS body, parents, friends and even the general public- everybody seems to be staring and srutinising our every step and action. Very high standards are set for us, sometimes unrealistic ones too. Everywhere we go, we're met with a "wah, degree nurse" or a "huh, you mean you don't know these things? I thought you were supposed to be a degree nurse?" kinda look. We also have to deal with jealousy among the seniors who had to take a real long time to climb up the ladder while we are able to learn much more and so called ‘climb up the career path’ faster than them. Even for the other healthcare professionals- we are deemed to be a 'threat' to some of them (doctors included). And because of that, they do sometimes pass sarcastic remarks to which we have to learn not to take to heart. We do understand, to a certain extend as to why they are behaving like that, but it just saddens our hearts when we hear all those remarks (most of the time its unintentional, I hope). We are compared with to the previous mode and system of teaching, but yet are expected to be better and different. Dearest all, can't you all see that our system is very different from all of you? We don't learn the same things at the same time as what you would have learnt. Our clinical postings start way much earlier than many of you, and that means that we have lesser time and exposure in terms being in nursing school and mastering those clinical skills. Please understand that we are only 2 months into nursing and there are much we have to learn from you all.
Also, our clinical objectives require us to do physical assesement, history taking and case presentations. We don't need the stares when we take out our stethoscopes. Do you know how much courage we have to build up to just take out that stethoscope to auscultate? (I had to wait for a few weeks after gaining a bit of rapport first before feeling safe enough to try. And that is with the help and encouragement from my tutor who happens to be a well respected APN in that hospital).
Sometimes, we are just more inquisitive than the rest of the other nursing students from other schools. We know that you all may not be used to it. But thats where we're different, see. We are trained that way and we are expected to be like that. You want us to be different. Yes, but do give us some leeway in doing so too. You can't expect us to be different, yet follow the same current system, right?

Well, God still answered my prayers in a way I didn't quite expect. This week, an APN(advanced practice nurse) from IMH came down to talk to us during one of our professional issues lecture. He shared his experience in starting the APN programme whereby he was and is still meeting lots of resistance, apprehension and confusion from all over the place. He told us how he managed to survive through all of that and what motivated him on. He shared truthfully with us. Indead, he could relate to much of what we had been through even for this short period of time and prepared us for what could be ahead. At last, someone understood. Someone who had been there done and done that. Someone who is still fighting like us. We weren't without seniors after all! I was very encouraged.