Soul searched by God again... Been meditating real hard on why I'm here doing nursing. I've been provoked into a deep search on what nursing really means to me. I must confess that I was confused and for a moment, felt indifferent towards the ward staff, the patients, some people around me and even in studying so much. Was stressed out over the many projects, assignments, presentations, tests and exams coming up (although I didn't really show it out). Once again, I allowed myself to be caught up in the system. Last Tuesday, I looked at my anat book and felt an overwhelming sense of dread opening up the book to study. Whats the point of studying all these when I don't even know why I'm here in nursing?
Catching the initial S&S (signs and symptoms) of an attack by the virus called Satan whom I knew wanted to steal my joy of glorifying God in what I'm doing and luring me away from God's plan for me, I knew I had to go back to my physician- Jesus to be healed. I spent afternoons last week not studying and just spending time with God. Told God of all my S&S. Confessed to him about what I was feeling. Opened up my heart and soul to him. True enough, he lived up to his name of being the omnipotent physician. He zoomed right in to give me a thorough cardio examination and did a heart surgery for me...
For the entire time I was with my physician, I got asked and challenged about how I see & define things.
God is speaking:
So, what does nursing mean to you? Why do you think you are here in NUS nursing school doing a pioneering work? Was it an accident or were you specially chosen by me to be placed here? Are you proud of the nursing/medical knowledge that you know? Does studying more and knowing more theory give you a sense of false confidence & pride? Where then do you place your confidence in? Knowlege derived by man or in me (God)? Why do you feel and react that way when people look down at you or give you that jealous look and try to discourage you? Where then is your true identity? Is it just an identity that you seek in the world or are you really living out your true identity as a Child of the living God from heaven?
Why do I feel irritated when the nurses and doctors refer to patients by their bed no instead of their name?- bed 10 needs this procedure to be done, bed 20 requires to be be sent down for a CT scan, bed 18 is complaining of pain etc etc... Why is it that I am able to present cases by their S&S and diagnose without feeling much for the patient? How would I be feeling if I were the patient? Does labelling patients with flowery terms such as CA liver, CA lung, COPD, IHD, AMI mean that they deserve to die more than I do? Or rightly speaking, what makes me think that I deserve to live more than them? Why then am I able to pronounce a diagnose and prognosis for patients so easily by just basing on what I study?(in the future) Do I actually know when God would take them back?
How about myself? How do I view the patients? Do I view them as an artpiece for diagnosing, treating, bathing, changing diapers etc to make them look better so that I can have that sense of satisfaction in seeing my nice 'artwork'? Whats the real heart behind all that? What am I feeling when I had to do 'junior' work of bathing, feeding, oral cleaning, serve bedpan, change diapers, bedsheet for the patients? Or is it just a junior's work? To others, it may seem to be a lowly job, but what about myself? Do I consider it to be that too? What will I be thinking/doing/feeling about this kind of work when I pass out as a 'degree' nurse? More importantly, what does Jesus think of doing this kind of job? Rather, is it just a job or is it a service from the most high king when he knelt down to wash his (disciples) servant's feet. What was Jesus thinking about too when he washed Judas feet even though he knew that Judas would be betraying him soon. What was Jesus heart when he gave up his most high seat in heaven by humbly coming down to Earth where all the sinners are to serve his people?
In the OT recieving a heart surgery:
What will you feel if you're the patient? How would you want others to treat you if you're the patient? - So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.
How do I react when patients/relatives/colleagues become unreasonable? - It is not the healthy who need a doctor(nurse), but the sick. But go and learn what this means: "I desire mercy, not sacrifice. For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."
Being a healthcare provider working in a hospital means seeing the worst of Singapore in action. Many a times, the patients that you see will not be seen on the streets in Singapore because many of them will be tucked and enclosed in their homes. Also, being with the patients when they are at their worst moments mean dealing with family members at their worst too. That means recieving all the complaints, verbal & physical abuse (most of the time is confused patients, luckily). Also, you have to deal with ungratefulness and being ordered around by patients, relatives, some doctors and non-medical personals.
So why am I still in nursing?
Is it prestige? Definately not. Nurses are not really well respected in S'pore. Is it the money? Although our batch may be paid well, its not the main reason why I chose to be here. In fact, I came in thinking that nurses are not paid as well considering the amount of work and hrs they put in. Is it passion in medical stuff? Well, I can be quite sick of studying after a while without any purpose like last week. So what exactly is it that is and will keep me going in the long run? I prayed over it for about a week. Then on Sunday came God's answer...
"Child, take another look at the patients in the wards again as you step in each morning. Can you see that they are dearly loved by me? And because I love them, I would want them to receive the best care possible. I looked down from heaven and saw your heart. That is why I picked you among the millions, trusting that you will give the best care possible to my beloved".
Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave- just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. -Matt 20:28
To some, nursing is seen as noble job. To others, it is seen as a humbling job. But to me, nursing is more than being noble, or needing to humble oneself for the patients. Nursing, to me is a privilege and honor entrusted by God to me. It means being picked specially by the Almighty God to serve His beloved in their most weak and vulnerable moments. It means just being able to care for them and giving the personal touch even in seemingly small things such as bathing and changing diapers. It means being there for them personally in times of hurt or suffering, holding their hands and through the silence, transmitting God's love to each of them by letting them know that there is someone who does care even when they are at their lowest. It means recieving the approving smile from God through the smile on my patient's face, knowing that I have done my very best in ensuring that my Lord, Jesus Christ has recieved the best care possible from me.
I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers (sisters) of mine, you did it for me. -Matt 25:40
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