I've been really tired recently. Tired from practically everything. My mind was thrown into a confusion about ministry and school. Have been going for events after events these few days without much reflections and felt that I was just following the flow of things blindly. My time with God just shortened so much that I begun to miss those times whereby I could just sit for hours hearing God speak. It has been a long time, until Friday...
I must admit that I was feeling really burned out in having to look after JX. So tired of making that special effort. So tired of picking up her calls and answering her smses. Sometimes, I just can't understand her ways. I want to love her, but it has been getting tougher as the days goes by. It was so bad that I just cried out to God that I didn't want to be her leader anymore. When will she change? I wanted to give up on her... I think she could feel that sudden change of my attitude. She thought that I was angry with her and asked me not to be. I'm really not angry with her. I'm just tired. I was just asking God, "Why didn't you give me someone easier to mentor, esp since this is really my first time in discipling someone. Why can't she be normal like the rest of the students?" I hated my attitute. I hated my thoughts. I shouldn't be thinking of such things! But God, I don't wanna lie to you. I want to be my true self before you. But still, I hate my attitude. This is terrible. A mother shouldn't be thinking of that!
Oh God! What happened to my love for these kids? Why has the fire been put out? In the past, I knew that this love came from God but I had a hint of doubt if it could just be my character. Through this experience, I came to realise that I could love because God first loved me. It was indeed God who put in me a tender heart for these special youths who really requires lots of patience and guidance. I cannot do all that I did without God. Thanks Father, for reminding that I have to come to you always even as I continue doing your work.
God, I confess that I have not been praying consistently for JX and have been relying too much on my own strength and ability to guide her. I'm so sorry God. I repent before you and ask of your forgiveness. Forgive me Lord, for not asking of you and relying on my strength & not yours. Sorry for wanting to give up in her. Sorry for being so tired in my ministry. Sorry for being so rushed even as I come before you everyday to seek you and your word. Father, I repent. From this day on, I will pray consistently for JX. I want to see her grow!
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