Dying, suffering, living

He died. Suddenly. Just like that. One moment he's there, the next, he's gone. I have seen this many times in ED. However, this time it was different. He was our colleague. A fellow co-labourer in the healthcare system.

The same process. The same room. But different. It was always different. Each one in that room told a different story. Yet, the same ending that is perhaps different too. Same, for each body lies in the same room. Different, for each soul receives a different judgement, a different reward.

I only had so little time with the family- his closed ones who grieved so much. I couldn't say anything much. I said what I had to say in the most sensitive way possible. In the end, I could only give her a light pat on the shoulder and a look to say "I am sorry. I feel for you. I really do." She looked back and nodded.

And back I was to tend to more sick and wounded people. The day was filled with people coming in with so much hurt and pain.

I saw her. And my spirit sensed an extremely traumatic experience in her body and soul. I didn't dare say it out. But... I could hear it from her screams and the way she reacted. Because I knew that she did that to drown out the pain and that experience. But I couldn't do much except to tend to her tenderly, even though she may not know that I was even there. I think my colleague saw through it too. Through the "mad" behaviour, an anguished soul that was inconsolable.

A teenage girl full of tears, yet so strong in the face of adversity. Her mother's pride. Such filial piety that shone through her. The smile of strength through the tears and the grit of teeth that said " No problem. I can manage it." Even though she was tired, there was class and school the next day, and family to take care of while her mum is hospitalised. "No problem, I'll stay with my mum till she gets better." And wiped away tears that kept flowing down uncontrollably. My beloved doctor gave her a big hug, checked that she had enough for taxi fare and we sent her home. To rest, because we knew she desperately needed it. That her mum needed her, her family needed her. And that she could not break down. Oh, but more than that, she just needed a loving hug and someone to tell her that after all that big brave front, she was just a little girl who needed someone to love and dot upon. Mummy told me later on that early in little girl's years, her father left the family for another woman. And since then on, little girl grew up to be big girl, with so much maturity that mummy was amazed.
I was so glad we gave her that hug.

Life with its twist and turns. Stories that we bring home each day. Learning to merge these learnings into our own personal lives. At times, I may be sensitive, react weirdly, become totally unreasonable, withdraw from everything, be silent. But do understand that I am also just a little girl who had her own share of disappointments, thoughts and issues merged into the total emotionally draining day at work. That after a day of emotional numbness, professionalism, giving and service, I am after all a little girl whose brave front breaks down time and again. So that I need to stand in God's grace and love to seek forgiveness for all that I have not done right and perhaps, just needing that hug and a voice saying that 'everything will be ok'.