Find Rest, O My Soul!

I have never actually remembered myself crying so much before for such a long time. Yet, I couldn’t help myself. I suddenly felt so alone through all these things. And I wonder why God ever gave me this passion. Because it is so hard and scary. I lost it again.

Am I wrong? Have I heard wrongly? Was it all a big, big mistake? Could it all have been just, just my imagination? Has my heart beat in the wrong direction all these years? Has all these been just a joke?

The thought of giving everything up just swept me through and through. Why is there a need to do all these things? Isn’t staying at home so much better? That I can stay in a nice, comfortable home with home-cooked nutritious food everyday, clothes washed and ironed for me, food just stocked in the fridge. A good and secure job which I can get by with. And family and friends so close by.

Comfort zone. I love my comfort zone. I love Singapore. I love serving my fellow citizens. This is where I grew up in. This is where I know the place best. And…I’ve got an amazing, loving family here which I definitely cannot bear to leave. And yes, an wonderful DEM family too.

So why God, why? Why missions? Why the sick and poor? Why nations? Why communities? Why further training? Why public health? Why the orphans and widows? Why m? Why study so hard? Why take so many exams?

Why the big M? It is so scary. And I have never ever felt prepared for it. It is so scary leaving my comfort zone. If missions is scary, then M is even more frightening. Because it involves greater uncertainty and a huge change of lifestyle and mindset. Unconditional love was never unconditional. So why should I leave a place where I truly experienced unconditional love?

Giving up sounds so inviting. Yet, the heart still beats, though it would be so much easier if it could just stay silent. I have tried to hush it so many times. Yet, it refuses to keep still. Its wings flap and its neck yearns to break out from its shell. It is struggling to fly. Yet, it knows that it is alone. That the pain is felt silently, day by day. That flying out WILL be painful. But staying still hurts even more. That even if nobody on Earth understands or comprehends this dreamer, the dream still beats painfully until the day the Lord brings me back to where I can truly call home.

And so, I shall be still and know that He is God. That I rejoice because I hear His still, small voice. To soak in the only true agape Father’s love that no one else could provide. To enter that rest and continue walking in trust. By faith, I shall enter that rest, knowing deep inside - The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.