Lessons of missons

I made a very painful decision to pull out of the mission trip just 10 days before we're scheduled to fly off. The decision was made after days of praying and thinking through of many issues involved.

This trip would have been my very first time to co-lead and disciple a group of friends who are interested in medical misssions. So many preparations had been made. We had lots of meetings, trainings, sharings throughout the past months. Lots of time was also spent on building up the group dynamics and bonding. Further preparations were done to finalise the projects as well as trip preparations.

For myself personally, learning objectives had been set. Research was done. Prayer and preparation of heart came along. It wasn't just another medical mission trip for me. It was a dream and desire that was placed in my heart years back. ( even before I came into nursing). It was a vision shown to me long long ago coming true. It is what I see myself doing in the future for God. I wanted to walk the land and to see for myself the needs and what mission work involves. I wanted to learn more about missions. (not just superficially helping, but the issues involved in missionary work). I wanted and expected God to speak to me more clearly about his plan for me. I wanted to be discipled by God and by missionaries who have been there and done that. I wanted to learn what it means to lead a group over for God's work.

Then came the mumbai attacks in november, just a month before our scheduled departure day. It was very sudden and we were thrown into confusion about whether it was still safe to proceed along with the trip. We had lots and lots of discussions. With each other, with the parents, with Godly counsels, with God himself. We read up on the situation, checked out travel advisories, called up the locals to find out about the situation there. Finally, we decided that the risk was not as high as it seemed in the papers. It was a reasonable risk and neccessary precautions would be put in place to minimise the risk even further. The trip will still go ahead.

But for myself, I spoke to parents who were very anxious and worried about the situation over in India. I tried explaining to them but their anxiety hindered any effective communication. Not wanting to create anymore distress, I decided not to proceed any further with the conversation. I found it so weird then. I can be quite a good communicator with patients and parents at work. However, when it came to my own parents, I found it so hard to control the emotions thrown out and to turn the conversation around to be more managable for both sides. Sigh, just a different situation with a different role that I play outside and at home...

Turned to God to seek His guidance and counsel. It became so difficult to make a decision then. It would have been much easier if He were to say a direct 'yes' or 'no'. But He didn't. Instead, He left the option open to me. I thought though the situation carefully... Firstly, I was reminded of that very day years back when I was a young teenager (and a very young christian). That particular day during service ( that time service was at TC), God asked me a question. " Li Xin, what if I tell that you that you will die in the missions field... when I send you to a war-torn country to serve. Would you still go?" I remembered that when my young heart heard that, I cried and cried. I didn't know how to answer God then. I remembered telling God that I wasn't ready to die yet. I didn't want to die in a foreign land. I would prefer to die at home instead. It took me a while before my heart was settled and I finally told God. " Not my will be done, but yours be done. God, if I die in the missions field, then so be it." I sensed God smiling that day... As the years went by, this conviction became stronger and stronger. God made me. He paid the price for me. Now my life is His. Whatever He says goes. In fact, I would gladly die in the missions field. What better way to die than to die (physically) right in the centre of God's calling in my life? I knew in my heart then that dying was not something that would hinder me from going.

From that day, I began to ask God to prepare me for missions. The toughest obstacle so far has been my family. I dropped hints and shared with them about my desire to go out serving in the mission fields in the future. Unwilling hearts and disappointments about why this kind of work came about. I stuck to my dream, God's dream. But yet, still showing respect and understanding that it would take time for my parents to release me, especially since they do not have God in mind. This time, it was the same thing. I didn't know what to do. I needed to help them break through this pyschological barrier of losing me. I would believe it would be difficult for any parent to do so, but even more so for unbelieving parents.

That day, I was doing my usual solitude with God. The day's passage happened to be the last few chapters of Joshua ( I was studying the book of Joshua then). The chapters talked about how Joshua reminded and called for Israel to stay firm and to obey the Lord's commandments. A passage stood out and caught my eye. " You know with all your heart and soul that not one of all the good promises the Lord your God gave you has failed. Every promise has been fulfilled; not one has failed. But just as every good promise of the Lord your God has come true, so the Lord will bring on you all evil he has threatened, until he has destroyed you from this good land he has given you. If you violate the covenant of the Lord your God... the Lord's anger will burn against you, and you will quickly perish from the good land he has given you." - Joshua 23:14-16
Then the commandment, " Honor your parents" struck deep within me. The answer was so obvious. It was no wonder that God didn't give me an answer. Because He wanted me to choose. " choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve... But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord." - 24: 15. I concluded that this trip wasn't something that God has specifically called me to go out to serve. If He did, I knew He would change my parents' hearts and open the way for me to go. Also, I knew that I was really all prepared to go and serve God with all that I have ( including my life). So, in that sense, choosing not to go will not be disobeying God but rather, honoring Him by honoring my parents. To honor my parents would mean to acknowledge and respect their anxiety and fears. It means also not to go against and defy their wishes. Sometimes, I secretly wish that I may have believing parents who have the heart of God in them. But I knew that God didn't ask me to just honor my parents if they are believers. He jsut asked everyone of us to honor our parents. In fact, making the decision to pull out will be a good testimony to both my family as well as to the whole team. Joshua was a great leader who was obedient to God. He led by example and as a result, the new generation ( Joshua's time) of Israel followed His example and remained faithful to God. I knew then, that I had to lead by example too. Though it was a very painful thing to do, I informed the team that I had to pull out and explained to them of my reason in doing so. I was glad that some others followed along and decided not to go against their parent's wishes. Although most of us are adults and have the autonomy to make our own decisions, I wanted to help them understand about God's commandments too. I wanted a lesson to be learnt here -obedience. I was heartened. That all those who withdrew from the trip were not due to personal fears, but obeyed and pulled out due to parental concerns.

Reflecting about the whole thing, I realised that I have learnt alot. God is faithful. In fact, most of my learning objectives for this trip have actually been fulfilled. Though not in how I expected it to be, but by God's own unique training programme for me :) I knew that by obeying and pulling out, I have learnt a lesson of obedience. More than that, I was trained to balance scripture and was given the wisdom to do so. (something which I feel will be very valuable in future mission callings God will give me). I was given an opportunity to lead by example. To put God's word first before my desire, even though it may be a good desire. Besides the actual missionary work such as the thought process and issues involved in providing aide, I learnt that missionary work involves so much more issues such as preparing our parents, loved ones, hearing from God about the timing to go, finances, and of course, preparing ourselves. These issues may seem very duh... like of course la.. But when God really puts you through the time of preparation, it isn't so duh anymore. Because the challenges and hurdles to overcome even before the actual service itself becomes so much more intense and tough. In fact, those who went ahead also had to go through this same process of trusting God and obtaining their parents blessings before going ahead. In fact, some of them were so worried about losing their lives that they cried. ( same as what I experienced years back). The fear is real, because the danger is real. But God's protection and love is also real. I thank God that God brought the whole team through this process of preparation - to a trust and conviction that the team's safety lies in God's hands. I was heartened to hear one team member comment, " I'm prepared for the trip. I'm prepared to give my life to God's work". I smiled and thanked God silently that this mission was already a success :) I thanked God too, that our prebelieving members in our midst got a chance to be part of this process of being prepared by God. Going or not, I'm sure each team member showed forth God's work in their lives so personal, they cannot miss.

Though the above mentioned, the pain of letting go is still there. I took quite a while to overcome the disappointment and sadness over not being able to be there with the team. Because of some who pulled out, the team dynamics have changed quite a bit and adjustments had to be made here and there. For a moment, the whole thing became very messy, causing alot of stress and confusion. But by God's grace, the team was finally settled and last preparations were made. While the team members prepared themselves for the trip, I also made my preparation for the departure day itself. I prayed that I would be able to go and send the team off with peace and blessings. That I would be able to overcome my personal disappointment and to genuinely smile when I see them off. I did:) With God's grace. Because just when I was about to leave the house yesterday to send them off, Jesus asked me " Precious one, what can you give to me as a christmas present this christmas?" I replied, " The trip, Lord."

Just got the message earlier that the team has safely reached the hospital. Thank God for his protection!!! ( the journey there is the most dangerous part)
Team Assam, I love you all. Although I may not be there with you all physically, you will be in my prayers constantly throughout the whole trip. For those who happen to be reading this, please do keep the team in prayer too. They really need the spiritual covering. Pray especially for God's protection and for everyone of them to come back safely. The risk is really there. Thank you very much.