Basic Crisis Relief Seminar was a God-sent. It was just before the start of my new posting in the emergency department and was a good time to prepare myself to start a new chapter of my training. Yes, to come back to my purpose, my calling-something I needed desperately after a long battle during my first year of training.
God just confirmed one thing throughout the whole seminar. The confirmation was so clear... Yes, I needed to study M. I struggled through this for such a long time. Sometimes when God brings it up, I would argue with him because I have so many fears about doing M. About losing perspective, about why must I do M, why can't I just stay in N? Why can't I serve in N? Why do I need to go into a place where I have seen so many struggling through and regretting their decision to come into this profession. Why must I go into a place where the competition and pressure for prestige, power, money takes presidence and overpowers so many who have come into this profession initially with great dreams and vision.
Yet, this time when God brought it up again, I did not resist. I embraced it and thanked God for confirming it once again.
Because He showed me once more of why I needed to do M.
He showed me how He has made the way.
He showed me my calling once again.
Yes, Lord. I have not forgotten. I have not forgotten my desire, my passion, my calling. To serve the sick, poor and injured and to bring them into your Kingdom.
And so, I started my journey into making this come to reality. I bought a really expensive book/course to study for the entrance exam. It was so different studying all this in the midst of working and seeing patients almost daily.
After finishing the first module of 'Intro to GAMSAT', I went to work and saw. Yes, I see worry and anxiety written all over your face. I hear the trembling of your voice when asked of what brought you here today. I see the shock on your face when told of an unwanted pregnancy, a diagnosis of probable STD and the need to test you for other STDs like HIV, a fever that comes and goes with enlarged lymph nodes that does not go away and the worry/stress that overwhelmed you till you came to seek help. I hear your screams of pain and fear when you broke your elbow and anguish when a scary doctor kept trying to move it, touch it and ask you questions when all the while you were scared stiff. I see your loneliness and pain when I took you after being brought in by the police wearing a revealing low cut blouse and short mini skirt after an assault at 3am in a pub, smelling of liquor, crying in a corner, all the time trying to lengthen your skirt as much as possible and trying to cover yourself and your bruises on your chest with your jacket during examination. I hear your gratitude when I took you gently throughout the consultation, treatment, settling your bill payment with the clerk and finally seeing you safely into a cab. I sensed your troubled, empty life and more so, spiritual emptiness when you, our regular came in again for 'fun'. Beyond your ticket of entry (fell from bed, kicked by husband, headache, pain in the knee) into the ED each time, I saw your need for a loving touch, a little concern and love, a need to be acknowledged and heard. The desire for a God to help you was so strong in you adoring yourself with all kinds of tattoos of gods, heaping lots of religious necklaces over your neck. Throughout all these, I see the same familiar question from every patient coming in with big or small complaints- " Doc, can you help? Please?"
Then I went home to continue studying my GAMSAT and surfing the net for rural medicine training. And I dedicated my studies of GAMSAT to all these people whom I met throughout my week. Yes, grad M is different, because I know why I am here for. I see you while studying literature, writing essays, learning Bio, Chem, Physics all over again. And I rejoice. Because I see God's moulding process. And yes, his providence when I placed my faith in him and trusted him with all the finances that was a BIG BIG headache. I know, that this is where I must go. Because I know that I will not be lost in all the scariness of the profession. Because this time, it will be alot harder to make me lose sight of where I must go. Because God is calling...
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