Tired out

I am so tired. So very tired. Its a month since I formally stepped into my role after sometime of job training. I learnt a lot, thought alot and reflected much. Yet, this week was just unbearable. I had a whole week of PAPA shifts. Which means, I work more than 24 hrs for 2 days consecutively with only about 3-4 hours of rest in between. and followed by another 2 days of that and another cycle and another. For 1 whole week!!! However much I wanted to serve came to a test as I was tired... real tired physically, mentally, emotinally. I didn't have the time before work to sit quietly by God's side to hear a precious encouraging word from him before the start of each day- something that I looked forward to each day and something that held me there when I thought I couldn't handle this any longer.


I realised how much it takes to serve. I give my very all each time when I am in the wards. I get zapped out of almost all my energy everytime when I leave the hospital. There were times when I felt like collapsing right after working. Yet, the thought of going back the next day with my group of patients with all kinds of needs forced me to keep awake for even an hour or so each night to read up on whatever questions I have to provide better care for them when I next see them in less than 4 hours time. And so, it went on and on... until I broke down and cried.


It isn't just the physical stress. It was well, mentally and emotionally too. I am struggling too, with professional identity and my calling. The same old feeling came back again. I know I am not called to be a nurse. It was something God has been telling me everyday when I walked up to work. Such an irony indeed. Here I am, wearing a nursing uniform, walking up to the hospital, thinking of my patients, thinking of how to put in place what God has been teaching me each day, trying my best to be the best that God has called me to, and there, my same God telling me that I will not stay for long.


" I have set you apart for great works. Your heart will be at unrest until you complete the task I have for you. Yet, I require you to trust me for that task and day. You will move on in life and do something different..."


People in my workplace calls me staff nurse Yeo or staff nurse Li Xin. I am used to it and respond to it professionally in the wards. Yet, deep down, I have never felt belonged to this title. I didn't realised how much it bothered me until God told me one day:


" Child, I have called you for a very different purpose.
You are not staff nurse Yeo.
You are Evelyn Yeo"


It broke my heart...

I love serving. I so very much do. I love serving the sick. It is well, just part of me. Something God made me for. And because of this, my heart has been broken time and again for this very calling God has called me for. Yet, it is a tough enough job...


Just this week, my colleague pulled me aside and whispered, " Hey, why was Dr N crying yesterday? Is it that the stress is too great?" My heart cried when I heard that. Dear me... Yes, he didn't quite seem to be himself. Although he had only joined us very recently, I sensed alot of reservation from him. And yes, this place can be very trying and stressful for old and new comers alike. It must be tough, to be scolded on the 2nd day of work too. I tried looking for him to give him some encouragement, but he didn't turn up for work that day...

My mind drifted for a moment to a 3rd party's perspective as I stood there... Watching how busy everyone was, running here and there, trying to get everything done so that the best possible care can be provided for each patient under our care. watching how much stress was placed on each team member as family members and patients place unreasonable demands on the team.. and watching as how everyone served with safely at the back of our minds even though all were tired and drained out after a long day at work ( for some, two days actually) And I quietly saluted them all.

Today, I went for a run. I was tired, yes. Physically, my body screamed for a good rest. Yet, my spiritual body desired for a good timeout with God. My spiritual being won and I put on my running shoes for a long good run. God reminded me of the times where He drew so close to me when I was near His beautiful creation.. the promises He made to me during my walks with him in nature parks, rainforests, hills, valleys, rivers, seas, deep blue sky, sunset, sunrise and at the mountain top. Towards the end of my run, I looked up and saw a single star right above where I was standing and a deep yellow cresent moon diagonally right across it. The star was small and little, but shined out brightly in the dark dark sky. Star was looking so happily at moon. And moon portrayed such rest that my heart was in great peace. It was as if moon was saying to star, " Remember star, as you look to me, you will continue to shine with happiness and peace. For it it I who will give you rest".


Then, I prayed a little prayer I had prayed since I was a little girl ( but stopped for a long time since I stepped into nursing):

Who is this minister
To those who helpless lay
In pain and weakness hear me now
As unto thee I pray


Give to my eyes the power to see
the hidden source of ill
Give to my hands the healing touch,
the throb of pain to still
Grant that my ears be swift to hear, the cry of those in pain
Give to my tongue the words that bring,
comfort and strength again.


Till then my heart with tenderness
My brain with wisdom truth
And when in weariness I sink,
Oh Lord, strengthen me then anew


And I cried, as I looked up at star and moon above me.
"Angel starz, you are Evelyn. You are my light to this dark world...But remember, I love you individually, just as I have called you out individually too. Keep looking at me, and I will give you the rest you need".