Agony

Terrible.
This is the description of the past few weeks.
The stress is terrible. The workload is crazy. Final year is just... mad.

I cried for the very first time during a posting.
I cried, in one of the nicest place I ever worked in.
I cried, not because of the common reasons why others cry.
I cried, not because I was touched by humanity and the love of God.
This time round, I cried out of despair and desperateness.

Yes, I admit the stress was tremendous.
I was stressed. Yes, with all the work that I have to do.
But beyond all that, I felt tears welling up because time is short.
I wasn't learning as much as I would have loved to learn.
I felt unjustified to have to stay in that place because I need to 'clock the hours', with nothing in front that was stimulating my learning and yet, tons of things that I need and want to learn and do.
Overwhelmed, I couldn't take it any longer and marched into the NM's office to ask for something I have never asked or done before. Desperate.

In the midst of all these, I saw the ugliness of my inmost nature.
I saw how terrible I can actually be.
Though good that I was concerned about the best care that could be offered to the patients, it was scary how I could just forget all the other important things as well. I knew it wasn’t right for me to think of it that way, but I was mad then. I was mad at the unprofessionalism shown. I was angry at the system and history of nursing. I could no longer think of it as how I used to think because it would then become an excuse for me to accept it as such. I refuse to accept it. I refuse because I believe we can be better. Yet, I know much grace and compassion needs to be given, just as how I myself need that grace so much too.

I realise one thing after all. I dislike being a pioneer. I dislike that uncertainty and having to lead changes. Because it is tough. It is challenging. It is uncertain.
But yet, God has always been placing me in pioneering work since the day I gave my life to Him. And I wonder why sometimes. Because I am not made to be such. But yet, I am trained to be so.

I am getting that dreaded feeling and debate in me again.
Again and again. It never ends. I feel trapped in this endless cycle of the change model. I’ve got to admit. I’m relapsing again.


Terrible. Horrible. Unanswerable.
Why am I fighting all these things?
Countertransference, it should not be.
It is me, me, me, after all.
When can this ever end?
Many feel the same way.
But yet, I can do nothing about it.
How can a light shine when it itself is dim?
How can a light shine when it itself is struggling to reignite?

Unsatisfied.
Sometimes, I wonder if it is something of my flesh’s desire or if it is the cry of my inner soul's response to God’s call for me.

Yet, in the midst of all these
The prompting comes.
A voice keeps coming back to remind and encourage to trust in the One who will lead me to that call.

God, after all never left me.
He has always and will always be with me.
Through it all, peace lays the foundation.
Yes, it is difficult.
But yes, it is necessary.
It is necessary, for the plan the same spirit has in store for me.
And it is a plan that necessitates this unique training that God has planned for me.

You see, Jesus after all came not to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.
And until I learn this truth deep within my soul, I can never be used by God to the fullest measure of how He has intended it to be.

Jesus called them ( his 10 disciples) together and said, " You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whosoever wants to be first must be your slave- just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many".