The gift of time

So many things has happened from the last time I blogged. So many wonderful events and lessons from God. So many thoughts and exciting things that God had spoken to me about. Wanted to pen down all my thoughts in this blog, but... you know what? As I was thinking about all the half written reflections of all the various happenings, God prompted me to just enter one entry for now.The most important event from all that had happened- my personal, one-to-one time with God.

I have been feeling tired since the beginning of this year. Tried sleeping more and getting more rest. But everytime I woke up, I still felt tired. I've been faithfully reading 1 psalm a day, but the words were just words. Prayers from others just felt like words and nothing else. I couldn't really recieve. God didn't seem to be speaking to me. Even when praying myself, there was a sense of distance. It was as if.... I was talking to myself. Where is my God to whom I used to have such a close intimate times with?

I couldn't understand. I don't know why. Even my sense of purpose had been affected. Felt a sudden web of distortion within me. Yes, I do know where I'll be heading to. But somehow, my faith has been shaken by reality.

Serving has been more of a chore rather than giving of myself willingly. I initiated things and planned stuff because I knew that it was necessary. It was done because God said and directed me to do so. It was done because I knew I had to. Yes, the events turned out well. Yes, God was present there. I knew God was doing a great work, that everyone who went to these events was blessed. But... is that all? What about me? God, have you forgotten me?

Rest--> return --> restoration

This was the word for NM leaders. I preached this. I know this. But really... How to rest while serving? I do not feel rested. Thank God the others did, but God, did you leave me out? Why were the rest ministered to, but not me? I know that ministry is more of giving than recieving. But... I've also come to understand that God can also use my time of serving to minister to me too. Just that, this time it was different... Somehow, even resting after the retreat, I got stuck there. Yes, I know that I have returned to God, but what about restoration of soul?

A breakthrough finally happened today. Yes,after so long. Desperate, I tried to cry out to God once more. This time, God revealed to me that joy was what I really lacked. Yes, I started off well. There was a great passion, great fire burning in me when I started out in the different places God has placed me in. But somehow, that fire has died down. The sense of joy in serving was absent. Right now, it feels like I'm in a dehydrated state in the midst of running a marathon.

You know, just like in medicine, you gotta ask the why question. What caused it? And in this case, dehydration secondary to lost of connection with God while serving is the diagnosis. As every medical personal would know, dehydration is a dangerous state to be in, because it brings with it several complications and if not dealt with, will lead to system shutdown and ultimately death. In the same way as running a marathon, serving requires you to work and sweat. Working hard means sweating more and losing more fluids. And if God does not top up your fuel, soon you will be running dry and then collapse.
Symptoms include exhausion, fatigue ( sleep more), thirst. Isn't it so true? When you are spiritually tired, you are tired and nothing seems to take that exhaustion away? You continue running, but get dizzy spells because you do not have enough fresh O2 from God. And the only way to quench your thirst is really to just drink from God once again. God, I need a stat dose of IV love and intimacy 100 pine from you! Only then, can my fuel be recharged. Only then, can the fire be flammed up in me once again. Only then, can I serve with a joyful spirit once again. A joyful spirit that will be like a virus, spreading to everyone around me!

Yes Lord, nothing beats spending time with you. I know you do not want me to be consumed by the work of God, but to be consumed by the God of the work. As I serve, help me Daddy, to not forget you. Because I know, yes I do know... that above all that I do, your sole desire is me, and me alone. Not about the works I do, not about the things that is accomplished, not how successful things are coming along, but really... to just spend that precious time with you.

"I miss you and I yearn for you. I truly delight in your presence. If you can rush from one place to another, appointments after appointments, won't you also do that for me? If you awake to the pleasure of having breakfast, won't you hunger for spiritual food in the same way too?"

Yes Lord, today I commit to give a gift to you each day.

The gift of time... the most precious gift of all...