First week of school this term wasn't as good as what I hoped it would turn out to be. When the first day ended, I was just overwhelmed by the shear amount of workload this sem. The amount and difficulty level of what we're going to study is so much more than first sem (which I think is already very jia liat). What’s worst was when my coursemates started to compare results to see who scored better. And I just realised that most of those whom I'm closer to scored really well. Guess my class standard is really high! All these things added and caused my stress level to shoot up real high (and to think that its only the first day of the semester).
Couldn't really study much that day and so I went for a jog and for a time of solitude with God. The time alone with God was really good. God spoke much to me then. He showed me that I had chosen to come out of the pace of life in which many chose to follow blindly, chasing worldly prizes which will not last. That I have taken the narrow path to seek him first and to run the race so that I can recieve the eternal prize. God really encouraged me through his words in 2 Corinthians 2:14-3:6. He reminded me that it was him who has chosen me and that I will be able to shine for him in the nursing school.
However, when the week past by, I felt myself falling to an all time low since after the exams. The lectures covered so much stuff and I could not even understand the pharmaco lectures even though they were supposed to be an introductory to pharm. Gosh, I was seriously overwhelmed by the shear amount of stuff that I needed to know. I didn't know how I would be able to cope with chunks of information that I knew I had to learn and understand within such a short period of time.
Today was especially bad. As I was studying physio in the afternoon, the stress was so overwhelming that I almost broke down. For a moment, fear gripped me as to how I was going to memorise and understand all of the vast information that I knew I had to know to better care for my patients. Tears started to fill my eyes as I began to doubt myself. I doubted about whether I would be able to cope with this super xiong course. I doubted about whether I could actually become a good clinician worthy of God's name. The stress was there because I knew that there were lots of expectations to be met. However, the expectations from men wasn't the cause of my stress. The stress was from the expectation I know God had of me. I knew that my Father expects and demands great things from me. And that is also something to which God has placed within my heart to want to do well in and to glorify his name through it.
Yet, I know that the reason why I am feeling stressed out is because I am relying on my own strength. The spirit of fear and doubt is just not from God. God's character does not permit it! Being a loving Father, he gives peace to his beloved even as they go about doing his work.
God then reminded me of how I have been encouraging many of my friends to trust in God and to rely on him. Using this reminder, he gently asked if I truly trusted in Him. My immediate response was "Yes Lord, I trust in you." However, God asked me another time," Li Xin, do you really trust in me?" This time, I couldn’t answer him. Although my knee-jerk response will be to say “Yes Lord, I trust in you”, I knew that if I am truly trusting Him, I will not be worrying so much now. There was such a struggle within me because as much as I wanted to trust God to see me through, there was still a lingering sense of fear and doubt about whether it really will be so.
But God is so good. As I went for VCF today, God used this community of believers to strengthen my faith again. Even though most of the things we discussed today are truths that I know and have been using to encourage others around me, I found it so spirit-lifting to hear it again from somebody else.
For the foolishness of God is wiser than man’s wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man’s strength.
Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things- and the things that are not- to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God- that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: “Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.” – 1 Corinthians 25-31.
The words of God struck me once again as to how I was when God first called me into doing his work. Indeed, I’m not born wise by human standards, not influential by my own might and definately not of noble birth. And I thank God for that. Yes, I thank God for that. Because it becomes so clear to me that for every achievement and position I am in now is NOT because of my own wisdom and abilities, but solely because of the grace of God. That there is indeed nothing for me to boast about, except in boasting about the fact that God has so wonderfully chosen me to understand and know Him personally; that I am who I am now or who I’m going to be in the future because of Christ Jesus, my Lord, my God.
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